Marriage as a Magnifying Glass

I agree with some of the things mentioned about selflessness marriage in this article, but I also believe that there is something to be said for a healthy measure of selfishness. Let me explain.

In an airplane emergency we are instructed to secure our own oxygen mask before attending to anyone else, including our children sitting beside us. This sounds like an outrageously selfish suggestion, but it really isn't and it has a life-lesson built in to boot; by taking care of yourself you strengthen the ability to take care of those you love and care about. So it’s a “good” selfish, it’s a selfish that defies its own definition and actually benefits others. I think that the main idea in this article, that “a true marriage (and true love) is never about you. It’s about the person you love—their wants, their needs, their hopes, and their dreams”, is only true when both partners equally believe and share this idea. What if your partner is incapable or unwilling to do the same for you? You shouldn’t tend so much to the neighbor’s flowers at the expense of your own, because you run the very real risk of losing both gardens.

Marriage works best as a partnering, not a worshipping as this article sometimes implies. For anyone that believes that you should mind the wants, needs, hopes and dreams of another before or instead of your own – no, then marriage is not for you. If you are going into it limping or already licking wounds not yet healed because your partner is not capable, not mature enough or unprepared to work towards fulfilling YOUR wants, needs, hopes and dreams, no, marriage is not for you. It’s ok to be their number 2 sometimes because occasionally you need to be your own number 1. If you find that you are often their number 3 or 4 or lower then absolutely no, marriage is not for you.

There were a lot of “I”, “me” and “you”s  in this article, and not many “us” or “we”s at all. I am of the opinion that these are important elements in the vocabulary of a marriage, or of any close relationship for that matter. They indicate an underlining of true partnership, of respect and of a desire to truly be joined with this person while preserving your individuality as well. My wife of (12-plus years) and I are a very strong team, and part of the reason for that is how strong we are as individuals. We can help cancel out each other’s weaknesses, and we can also enhance the other’s strengths. WE.

If you are not already in a relationship were you are both working towards each other’s wants, needs, hopes and dreams, marriage will not magically make this happen, and therefore marriage is not for you. Marriage is something like a magnifying glass where what was already good can improve and what was already bad can worsen. And like that magnifying glass, it can either reveal great things about yourself and your partner, or burn a hole right through.

 It all depends on how you’re looking at it.